Opinions
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Manage anger and get along better with others |
by Cheryl Dizon-Reynante
In both my professional and personal life, I notice that people are talking about their increasing stress and frustration. They are noticing that others are more “on edge” than normal, or that this is happening within themselves. Lately, there just seems to be less patience for others, more irritability, and even anger in the air. This can be due to several factors, which include rising costs, the threat of tariffs and trade wars, and overall uncertainty with global affairs. Not knowing what the future holds and having to adjust to change can be very stressful.
Sometimes stress comes out in the form of irritability, frustration, anger or even rage. It is common for people to feel mad when deep down, they are scared. Many people struggle to manage these intense emotions. When people cannot transform their emotions, they may lash out verbally or physically in order to transfer that energy out towards someone else. This is never a good thing because relationships can be damaged. On an individual level, anger outbursts can lead to heart problems, an increased likelihood of having a stroke, and it weakens the immune system. Lashing out is linked to having depression and anxiety.
Everybody gets angry. Anger is a healthy and natural emotion. In our society, most people think that anger is “bad” and that it is negative. But anger can be a good, positive force that leads to action – only if we manage the anger well.
Most people deal with their anger in three ways. One way is to “stuff” anger; where you do not admit that you are angry to yourself or to other people. You tend to “sweep things under the rug” because you feel it is not nice to be mad at someone. You might worry about hurting someone else’s feelings and that you will damage the relationship if you show anger. Sometimes, you act in a passive-aggressive way by making rude comments or jokes. This behaviour, or giving someone the silent treatment, can be viewed as uncaring. Dealing with anger in these ways can affect your physical and mental health in a harmful way.
Second, some people allow their anger to escalate and explode. This is seen as an aggressive response. Your tendency is to blame other people, which can lead them to feel ashamed. You want to demonstrate power and appear strong because the last thing you want is to be viewed as weak. Reacting in this way means that you don’t address underlying feelings such as fear or embarrassment. You may get what you want for the short term, but your relationships with other people are damaged. Managing anger in this way can also result in damage to your own physical and mental wellbeing.
And last, there is managing anger in an effective way. The following list consists of healthier ways to deal with anger and leads to stronger relationships, more confidence, a higher energy level, and an overall sense of happiness. If you try to manage your anger in new ways, it can be challenging at first. But if you value yourself and others around you, it is worth the effort.
10 tips to handle anger and improve communication with others
- Take a deep breath and speak with an even and calm tone. If people hear a loud and angry person, they rarely listen to what is being said because they are on guard.
- Only consider the here and now. Don’t bring up past events to support your argument.
- Avoid name-calling and labels. Focus on the behaviour. For example, avoid saying, “You are so selfish!” but instead, “You didn’t ask me what my opinion is. I feel unheard. I’d really like to tell you what I think.”
- Ask yourself if you are a controller. Do you think things like, “They should just do it my way,” or “That is absolutely the worst thing to do”? If you are a controller, think about the effect that you have on others around you.
- Beware of irrational thoughts that feed the angry story in your head. For example, “They’re doing this to me on purpose” or “I never get what I deserve,” are often not accurate and end up increasing anger.
- Take responsibility if you lose control. No one has the power to make you act in a certain way. You choose to behave that way.
- Slow your down anger. If you tend to react quickly, train yourself to take deep breaths, count to 10 before you talk, or walk away until you cool down. You could save yourself from saying or doing something you regret.
- Stay away from other angry people.
- When the issue is resolved, forgive the other person and ask for forgiveness yourself. You will eliminate resentment from your life.
- Make changes little by little. Ask yourself, “what can I change this week about how I communicate?” and evaluate whether you’ve reached your goal. If not, be patient and try again.
“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.” – Barbara De Angelis
Cheryl Dizon-Reynante is a licensed therapist with the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association.