Opinions
Communicating in conflict
by Michele Majul-Ibarra
Recently, I had the opportunity to deliver a session to a group of leaders on the topic of communicating in conflict. Being a front-line leader often comes with it the challenge of dealing with difficult conversations with staff – whether it relates to performance issues, attendance and interpersonal conflict. In the session I covered some simple yet effective communication strategies from active listening, reframing statements to using “I” statements in conversations. How a leader manages these moments defines their leadership. However, the strategies covered here are not only great tools for leaders but also essential for navigating peer-to-peer conflict in any professional or personal setting.
The key to turning stressful confrontations into constructive dialogues lies not merely in what we say, but in how we listen. The most powerful tool for effective conflict resolution is active listening.
Active listening
Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to fully concentrate, understand, respond, and then remember what is being said. It’s much more than just hearing words; it’s about discerning the underlying meaning, emotion, and intent. Some techniques used in active listening are reframing, paraphrasing and summarizing. In conflict, this practice is critical because it directly tackles the trio of psychological traps that fuel disagreement: assumptions, perceptions, and expectations. When conflict arises, it’s rarely about just the surface issue. Instead, it’s often driven by invisible forces that must be addressed, regardless of rank.
Assumptions
Whether you’re a leader addressing a staff member or addressing a coworker, it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming negative intent. “They’re being deliberately difficult,” or “They don’t respect my timeline.” In a heated moment, we often assume we know the other person’s motivation, leading us to react to our own imagined narrative rather than their reality. Active listening overcomes this by requiring us to ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what we hear. By saying, “It sounds like you feel I’m not prioritizing our team’s needs on this project. Is that right?” we check the assumption and validate their feeling.
Perceptions
A perception is an individual’s unique way of interpreting an event. Because two people will always have different values and past experiences, their perception of the exact same situation can be very different. While one person may perceive a quick decision as efficiency, another may perceive it as a disregard for their input. Active listening demands empathy, putting oneself in the other person’s shoes, to understand their viewpoint. Acknowledging their perception, such as, “I see why you would interpret my delay in feedback as a sign that I don’t value your work, given how quickly you delivered it,” shifts the focus from winning the argument to understanding the difference.
Expectations
Unmet expectations are often the hidden root of conflict. A leader might expect proactive communication from an employee, while an employee expects clear, detailed instruction. Similarly, a coworker might expect another coworker to consult them before making a change. When these unspoken rules are violated, the resulting disappointment can fuel a breakdown. Active listening helps to bring these rules to the surface. Techniques like reflecting feelings, e.g., “I hear frustration in your voice because you expected more timely support to get the task completed,” help both parties identify the specific, unmet expectation, allowing for a renegotiation. By replacing immediate defence and reactive speaking with active listening, we shift the conflict dynamic from attack to understand and resolve.
A quote from Joseph Ravick, a mediator, trainer, and facilitator “not letting the APE’s get you,” resonates with me as this quote refers to the powerful role that our assumptions, perceptions and expectations (aka APE) have in defining how we perceive a conflict. If left unchecked, the detrimental impact of APE will continue to fuel conflict. It is important to examine our own and the other person’s assumptions, perceptions, and expectations and how they are impacting the working relationship.
This article is intended for information purposes only and not to be considered as professional advice.
Sources
https://adm.viu.ca/workplace-conflict/assumptions-perceptions-expectations
Michele Majul-Ibarra, BA (Psych), IPMA-ACP, C.I.M. is a Director of Human Resources in the public sector. She holds the Advanced Certified HR Professional Designation with the International Personnel Management Association and holds the professional designation C.I.M. through Chartered Managers Canada.