Keep your relationship on track

Dear Ate Anna,

My husband and I have been married for eight years. I used to think that I had a happy marriage. Lately I have been feeling that my husband and I are like roommates rather than husband and wife – if you know what I mean. What has happened?

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Every couple in a long term relationship, whether married or not, will have times when they wonder, “Is this all there is?” If you can figure out what may be causing that feeling, you have a better chance of making the changes that will get your relationship back on track.

Elizabeth, part of the problem may be the expectations you have of your relationship. In the past, marriage involved people meeting the gender role expectations of society. A wife had certain roles or jobs that she was expected to do as a good wife. A husband had his own set of responsibilities. Today, these roles are not as clear, which creates its own stress. In addition, we have higher expectations of our marriage or long-term relationship and how it will meet our emotional needs.

If we feel that our expectations are not being met, we may wonder if there is something wrong with either our relationship or our partner. Firstly, we should look at our hopes and dreams. Are they realistic? From where do your expectations about a satisfying relationship come? Magazines? Reality TV? Unfortunately, these are not always reliable sources for information about meaningful relationships.

Most couples will probably find that, even if they have discussed important issues before starting their life together, marriage or living together in a long-term relationship is different from what they thought it would be. Couples gain success in marriage by “hanging in there” and learning how to tackle problems and manoeuvre through the complex issues of everyday life. (It may seem easier to just blame the other person and end the relationship.) Success in marriage requires commitment to continuing the relationship. Of course, Ate Anna is not suggesting that a person should stay in a relationship that is causing harm to someone.

Many relationship problems result from poor communication. Effective communication is what helps people problem-solve the common relationship conflicts about money, sex, household chores and lack of time. Today, couples have the added challenges of technology. You can’t communicate while you or your partner is checking a BlackBerry, watching TV or reading the latest gossip online.

Busy schedules can be part of the problem, and they can also be a real roadblock to dealing with important relationship issues. It might be necessary to make an actual appointment with each other. Put the cell phones on vibrate and let voicemail pick up your calls. It might be helpful to get away from home to have this conversation – perhaps just going to a coffee shop so that children and chores are not a distraction.

Even partners who love each other can have difficulties in their sexual relationship. This is also an area where unrealistic expectations can cause problems. Adding to this situation is the fact that both men and women are badly lacking in sex education and sexual self-awareness.

This is unfortunate because sex is an important part of a relationship and brings a couple closer together. Sex is not just about making babies. Sex releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally and sustains the chemistry between a couple in a satisfying relationship. There are many reliable educational resources for learning about our sexual lives. Two websites that Ate Anna can suggest are www.sexualityandu.ca and www.mayoclinic.com.

It is a fantasy that good sex “just happens” – especially over the lifespan of a long term marriage or other relationship. Differences in sexual desire and what is or is not sexy and enjoyable are good topics for conversation. Most people have grown up with the message that talking about sex is taboo so it can be difficult to talk about ourselves in this way. But it can also help build intimacy in a relationship – emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy.

Elizabeth, relationship issues are complex, but a satisfying relationship is worth the time and effort it takes to keep it strong.

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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