In the last issue, K.J. Rivera, a Pilipino Express reader, was concerned about her Grade 9 daughter who is feeling the pressure to have a boyfriend. Ate Anna’s article discussed some of the advantages of letting adolescent children make their own decisions. (See the September 1^st issue). Ate Anna also encouraged K.J. Rivera to help her daughter decide what is best for her by providing guidance and support. In today’s article, Ate Anna will continue the discussion.

K.J. Rivera, your daughter needs to make decisions every day. Some decisions are easier to make (for example, what to eat for breakfast or what clothes to wear) while other decisions are more complex and may require more thinking. In this case, deciding what to do about the pressure to have a boyfriend can be a challenging situation for your daughter.

There is a simple six-step tool that Ate Anna finds helpful when making decisions. But first, remember to use some basic effective communication to open up the conversation. Good communication is always a two-way process; the communication goes back and forth. It helps to listen to your daughter’s point of view and encourage her to think by asking, “What do you think? Avoid giving lectures or using phrases like: “I don’t care what your friends are doing.” Or, “You’re wrong. That’s a dumb thing to do.” These are all “door slammers” that will close down the conversation with your daughter.

Now let’s work through the steps of the decision making process to show how you can help your daughter make her decision.

Step 1: Define the problem

First, help your daughter identify the problem. What is the problem to be solved? What is the dilemma she is facing?

Step 2: Think about your choices

Usually there are several options to consider. Help your daughter think of all her possible choices. You can use a “brainstorming” technique and let her come up with the ideas and options that she may choose from. If she cannot seem to get started, give her time to think. Keep going until she does not have any more ideas. She can write down her options on a piece of paper. Remember, do not judge her ideas. This is a process of gathering options and choices. However, if you think of an option that she has not thought of, ask if you may make a suggestion to add to her list.

Step 3: Think about the consequences of each choice

Help your daughter think through the pros and cons of the choices on her list. What are the consequences of each choice? Consequences can be good or bad. In general, good consequences are the ones that increase self-worth, help to develop personal growth and maturity and enhance one’s ability to excel and reach goals in life. Bad consequences are those that may result in problems or someone getting hurt. This, in turn, may affect one’s life and future plans in a negative way.

Again, if your daughter is unable to see a point, ask her if you can bring it up. Interestingly, by asking permission to bring up a point, adolescent children are more likely to listen to your suggestions. They will not take it as a lecture or you putting down their ideas.

Step 4: Think about your values and beliefs

Any decision affects not only the person herself or himself but it also affects the lives of those who care about this person, such as family. Before your daughter makes a decision, ask her to think about, “What values are important to me? What values are important to my family?” The best decisions are usually the ones that are consistent with a person’s values and the values of the people that are important to her or him.

Step 5: Make the decision

In this step your daughter ranks her list of choices. She chooses the option that she believes will work best for her and she will try it out.

Step 6: Did it work? Why or why not?

This is a learning step – lessons to be learned. After the decision is carried out, your daughter can reflect on whether or not she made a good choice by asking herself, “Is the problem solved? Do I feel good about the decision? What worked and what didn’t work?” If your daughter finds that things are not working well, she can go back to her list of options and re-evaluate the choice she made. You can help her go through the steps again.

K.J. Rivera, this decision making process can apply to all life situations and to persons of any age. Most importantly, when you initiate this conversation with your daughter and guide her decision making, you are showing her that you are interested in her life and that you care for her. This is a good way to build a strong relationship with your daughter. Adolescent children do want their parents to be involved and to stay connected with them.

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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