Feeling appreciated

Dear Ate Anna

My wife complains that I don’t appreciate all the things she does for our family. She knows I love her and that I think she is a good wife and mother. I don’t understand why she thinks I should always be telling her this. Can you explain this for me?

Sincerely, Rob.

Dear Rob,

Ate Anna thinks your situation is actually quite common. There are many things that a husband and wife do for each other and for their family that are just part of normal family life. These things – cooking, cleaning, car repairs, driving children to games and lessons etc. – have to be done to keep family life running smoothly. We assume that the other person will automatically do whatever they are supposed to do.

Some people find that the satisfaction of doing a good job is enough of a reward. Other people need more encouragement or recognition of their efforts. Your wife might be one of these people. This is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong – people are just different. However, if you are not like that, it can be difficult for you to think of showing your appreciation.

Learning how to express sincere appreciation can help keep your relationship with your wife strong. However, it is a skill that you will need to learn. The first step in developing this skill is to become aware of the various things your wife does for you. You can’t show appreciation for things that you don’t even notice. One area that is easy to overlook is “invisible work.”

Invisible work is anything a spouse does that is only noticed when it is not done. Let’s talk about the laundry, for example. If you always have clean clothes, then it is easy to take your spouse’s work for granted. You may not even notice which day the laundry gets done, but you do notice if you don’t have clean clothes when you need them or a dry towel after your shower. You may even say something unkind.

Most of the work around the house is like this. Think about car maintenance, yard work, cooking, or cleaning. Think about going to a job every day. These are things that have to be done. You might think, “If I start saying thank you every time my spouse does something for the family, the words would lose their value.” Ate Anna doesn’t think that this would really be a problem. The truth is most people are too stingy in expressing appreciation to their spouses.

So how can you and other readers change this? We have talked about the first step – that is to take notice of things your spouse does for you and the family. The next step is expressing your sincere appreciation for her or his help. This can be as simple as saying, “thank you,” or “I really appreciate you doing that.” Another way is to let your spouse know how it made you feel orwhy you appreciate something. For example, “thanks for cooking good meals for me and the children. It saves us money when we don’t eat out at a restaurant all the time.” If you make a conscious effort to repeat this new activity on a regular basis, you will gradually develop a new habit.

Rob, think of a time when you felt appreciated for something you did. How did that feel? Ate Anna is guessing it made you feel happy and you felt like doing that same thing again in the future. This is true for most people because feeling appreciated is a basic human need. When you are able to fulfill that need for your wife, you are likely to have a happier marriage, as well as a happier wife.

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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