Differences in showing affection

Dear Ate Anna

In your last column you told Rob that it is important for him to show appreciation to his wife. When I try to show my wife that I appreciate her by giving her a hug or a kiss, I feel like she is pushing me away. I believe that actions speak louder than words. Am I doing something wrong?

Sincerely, William.

Dear William,

Relationships are complex so there is no simple answer to your question. Ate Anna thinks that you are not doing anything wrong, but you might need to change your approach.

People in a relationship have their own viewpoint about the world, including when and how it is appropriate to show affection. This doesn’t make one person right and the other wrong. However, it does mean that each person needs to be sensitive to the other’s needs and feelings.

Ate Anna is wondering if you and your wife have children. One possibility for your wife’s actions is that she is not comfortable touching or showing physical affection when children are present. These are beliefs that we learn from our family of origin. There is nothing wrong with children seeing their parents showing affection to each other – within reasonable limits, of course. In fact, children learn important messages about the nature of love when they see their parents give each other a hug or a kiss. However, if someone is not comfortable doing this, his or her feelings must be respected.

People also have their own ideas about what physical affection means. Women often complain that the demands of young children wanting to be carried or held can leave them feeling like they just want be left alone. Ask yourself, “What message am I giving my wife when I give her a hug or a kiss?” If she feels that you are making one more demand on her, she may turn away from you because she can. She has no choice when dealing with her children’s needs. But you are an adult and she may not have enough energy to deal with your show of physical affection if it feels like you are asking her for something more.

William, the first thing you need to do is talk to your wife about this. Explain why you want to show your appreciation with hugs and kisses. If you are sincere and not expecting it to lead to other sexual activity, she may be more open to receiving it.

Allow your wife to explain her feelings about the situation. Ask her how she would like you to show your appreciation. Perhaps she would like you to wash the supper dishes, instead. That may not be your idea of showing appreciation, but if it is meaningful to your wife she may end up giving you a hug or a kiss!

If you have different beliefs about showing affection you both might need to make some changes to reach a compromise. For example: your wife may believe that showing affection in front of the children is not appropriate but you have no problem with it. Perhaps she can agree to giving and receiving hugs in front of the children and you agree to save other expressions of affection for the bedroom.

Ate Anna believes that relationships are hard work but it is important work. Talking about your feelings – good and bad – can help you both see the situation from the other’s point of view and reach a solution that will help strengthen your marriage.

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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