Addicted to Sex?

Dear Ate Anna:

I was reading an article in a magazine that mentioned a person who says he is addicted to sex. Is that possible? I thought a person could only be addicted to alcohol, cigarettes or street drugs. But gambling is not a drug and I have heard of people being addicted to gambling. I am confused!

Joey

Dear Joey:

You are asking a question that has a complex answer, so it is not surprising that you are confused. In recent years, there has been an increasing amount of information in the media about sex addiction. It is difficult to assess the reliability of information about sex addiction when so much of what we see and hear about sex is sensationalized. As well, people have a difficult time talking about sex in a straightforward manner without judging behaviour.

How does a person decide when sexual behaviour has become a problem? Ate Anna thinks that a definition of addiction is a helpful place to start. There are many definitions but Ate Anna has chosen the one by author Gabor Mate. In his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts he states: “Addiction is any repeated behaviour, substance-related or not, in which a person feels compelled to persist, regardless of its negative impact on his life and the lives of others.”

So, Joey, sex addiction is when people compulsively engage in sexual relationships or sexual activities that gradually control their lives and cause them serious problems. In spite of those problems and the hurt they may cause, the addicted people feel they cannot control this behaviour. For the addict, sex gradually replaces other meaningful connections and becomes a way of dealing with everything from boredom to feeling anxious or the emotional pain of a past trauma.

As a condition or behaviour pattern, sexual addiction has always existed, but the behaviour was not described as an addiction. The person was usually judged as morally corrupt. Defining it in the language of addiction helps some people because it gives them a model or a way of understanding problematic, compulsive behaviour patterns.

Many experts, and addicts alike, talk about the fact that addictive sex is shameful, secret and often abusive. Sometimes a person has difficulty with only one unwanted behaviour pattern, sometimes with many. Often the dependency starts with one behaviour or relationship but progresses over time to increasingly risky and/or unsafe activities with negative consequences. Sexual addiction should not be mistaken for a high libido or strong sex drive. Sexual addiction is not about the sex. It is about the change in mood that happens when a person engages in a sexually related behaviour.

One man talks about the lack of control he feels over his need to masturbate to sexual fantasies or internet porn. His behaviour causes problems in his marriage and even impacts his job performance because he sometimes spends hours at night involved with pornography on the Internet. A woman who considers herself a sex or love addict repeatedly gets involved in multiple relationships with successful, unavailable men. This is a recurring pattern in her life and she knows that she uses arousing sexual experiences as an emotional “fix.”

You might ask: “Why doesn’t the person just stop?” These patterns involve activities that can be a satisfying and enjoyable part of a person’s sexuality. However, for some people they lead to “out of control” behaviour because they are used as a means to relieve some kind of emotional pain. The very thing that makes a particular behaviour an “addiction” is that the person cannot seem to stop it in spite of the harm and pain it causes them, as well as other people in their lives.

Recent research also suggests that addiction changes a person’s brain, especially if the addictive behaviour activates the pleasure centre of the brain. Interestingly, it seems that the changes are similar across many types of addiction. In other words, process or behavioural addictions (e.g. gambling or sex) can cause the same brain changes as drug and alcohol addictions.

Joey, although addiction has been a part of human life forever, cultures have viewed addiction differently at different times in history. Some people would argue that North American society has become obsessed by addiction! Some experts think that behavioural addictions do not even exist.

Whatever your belief, Ate Anna thinks that people who are struggling with behaviours that feel out of control want help, not judgment.

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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