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| Written by Linda Plenert | |||||||||
| Tuesday, 16 February 2010 00:16 | |||||||||
Dear Ate Anna, My sister and I were talking about a friend of ours who is divorced and has become involved with a man but they are not planning to get married. We have tried to teach our teenage daughters about the importance of marriage and we don’t know what to say to them about this friend of ours. Why do so many people have sex outside of marriage today? Sincerely,
Dear Florence, Sexual relationships are a very complex matter! Ate Anna believes that people have sex for many reasons and that it is good for a person to reflect on why she or he is becoming involved in a sexual relationship before doing so. Sex is how human beings reproduce. However, reproduction is not the only reason people have sex. A sexual relationship is one way for two people to show their love for each other. However, this can be true whether or not the two people are married. There have always been cultural rules about whether or not sex outside of marriage is acceptable. There have always been people who did not follow those rules. We also know that cultures are always in the process of changing. Today, technology and the media are speeding up that change. All over the world these changes are affecting how people think about sexual relationships and marriage. There are people who think it is now OK to say that sex is also about experiencing pleasure or having fun. Some also believe that the two people don’t necessarily have to be in love, let alone married to each other. We have to remember that there are still many people who believe that feelings of love are an important part of two people becoming sexually involved. Our sexuality can also be expressed in negative ways. A person might use sex to control or manipulate his/her partner or get involved in a sexual relationship as revenge against an ex-partner. Sometimes a person agrees to have sex in order to avoid ending a relationship. Sometimes sex “happens” because drugs or alcohol distort a person’s judgment about their behaviour. A teenager might use sexual behaviour as a way of rebelling against his/her parents. However, we have to remember that a young person might get involved in a sexual relationship because of curiosity or the belief that everyone else is having sex. The media encourages this belief and, regardless of our age, we have to be careful not to believe everything we read or see in the media. Many adults worry that their sex life is not as good as it should be because they believe the media’s unrealistic messages about sexuality. Women sometimes have sex with a partner thinking that this will guarantee intimacy only to find that some level of connection between the two people has to be there to begin with. So you see, Florence, sexual relationships are very complex. Each person has to make their own decisions based on their personal values. We often forget that the brain is an important sex organ! There are many influences that affect these decisions from religious beliefs to media messages. Parents’ beliefs often conflict with what the younger generation is seeing in the media or in real-life examples of other people’s decisions – like those of your friend. Even though it may not seem like it, teenagers do want to talk to their parents about things like: How do I know if I’m in love? Or – How do I decide when it’s OK to have sex? These are important issues for you to think about and discuss with your daughter. Perhaps you and your sister, together, can talk to your daughters about your values and how you feel about your friend’s situation. Remember to use your listening skills but, most importantly, have a good conversation with your daughters. It is a wonderful way for each of you to work on your mother-daughter relationship. Take care, Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it Have a comment on this article? Send us your feedback
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