Dear Ate Anna,

I enjoyed the Evening with Ate Anna on March 18th. We heard the perspectives of the parents as well as youth regarding their challenges and issues. In the presentation you mentioned three parenting styles. Ate Anna, could you give me more information about this? Also, how can we help teenagers deal with peer pressure around dating and sexuality issues?

Ate Anna, I would like to let you know that my daughter and I learned a lot that evening. Thanks for reminding us about the importance of listening. We have already started listening more to each other. Maraming salamat po!

Lucinda

Dear Lucinda,

Thank you for coming to the Ate Anna event. Glad to hear that you enjoyed it.

The three styles of parenting are from the work of Barbara Coloroso, a renowned parent educator. In her book kids are worth it, she says that there are three kinds of families – the Brick Wall Family, the Jellyfish Family and the Backbone Family. Following are some basic characteristics of each parenting style.

The Brick-Wall Family:

• Parents demand absolute obedience.
• Parents control their children – children have no “say”; they are not allowed to express their feelings and opinions.
• Children are afraid of being punished.
• Parents tell children “what to do and what to think”.
• There is an emotional distance between parents and children.
• Children may rebel (drugs, alcohol, sexual activity) as a way of getting back at parents.

The Jelly Fish Family:

• Parents do not set any rules or limits for their children.
• Children do whatever they want.
• Children are confused – they feel that no one cares.
• Children feel insecure and they may look for escape through drugs or alcohol. They may try to find a sense of belonging through gangs or seek out affection through sexual activity.

The Backbone Family:

• Parents care about their children’s behaviour.
• Parents set rules for their children and enforce consequences.
• Children understand the rules, so they are more willing to accept them
• Children are involved in decision-making. They listen to their parents and parents listen to them.
• Children are more willing to talk openly with parents about problems and sensitive issues.
• Parents teach children “how to think” and make responsible choices.

Lucinda, many immigrant parents are familiar with the Brick Wall style of parenting as their parents used this style with them. Parents are the “boss” and children are expected to obey without questioning. Does this style of parenting work for families with children who are growing up in a new environment?

Children here, especially teenagers, need to make many decisions every day – what to wear, studies, friends, career choices, etc. One big challenge for teenagers is peer pressure regarding dating and sexuality issues. Many teenagers do not know how to deal with peer pressure and they may want to talk to parents or a trusted adult about those difficult issues.

Peer influence can be strong, but don’t underestimate the influence of parents over their children. Teenagers are telling us that they want to hear what their parents think and what values are important to them - especially around sexuality issues. But can they approach their parents and talk about these sensitive issues?

Lucinda, as you can see, children are afraid to talk to Brick Wall parents due to fear of rejection and punishment. These parents are pushing their children away by lecturing, judging, finger pointing and not allowing their children to share their feelings and thoughts. More important, parents lose the opportunity to give guidance and direction to their children. It is sad to see that some teenagers are forced to lie and do things behind their parents’ backs – they may have sex, smoke, and use drugs or alcohol as a way of fitting in with their friends. Some parents even tell their teens that if they do not obey they are no longer welcome in the family.

In Backbone families the lines of communication between parents and children are open. Children feel that they can talk to their parents about many issues. Parents can help their teenagers deal with peer pressure such as dating and sexuality, by “empowering” them to think for themselves. Parents can guide them and help them think through the consequences of their actions. Having discussions about these issues can help young people make more responsible decisions.

Being a Backbone parent is not easy because it takes time to have these conversations. It is also hard work to learn new ways of communicating instead of lecturing. However, Ate Anna thinks that the Backbone style of parenting is a better approach to helping children grow in this new culture and environment. Backbone parents stay connected with their children. What do you think?

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne St. N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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