Dear Ate Anna,

I met my girlfriend at a birthday party a few months ago. I am always thinking about her and I feel so happy when we’re together. Ate Anna, Am I in love? How do I know? What is love?

Terry

Dear Terry,

These are good questions, but they are difficult to answer. Ate Anna thinks that love starts with attraction. People are attracted to each other for many reasons. These may include being attracted to the person’s physical appearance or personality, or admiration for his or her intellectual ability, athletic ability, musical talents or creativity. Sometimes two people connect because they have a common interest like involvement with their cultural community or religious activities, or playing on the same sport team.

In the early stages of a relationship each person tries to be who she or he thinks the other person wants her or him to be. Terry, you might find yourself spending more time in front of the mirror, concerned about your appearance. Or you may become a more caring and thoughtful person and talk in a soft and polite tone with your girlfriend. On the other hand, your girlfriend may show interest in whatever you talk about. She smiles and laughs even if you aren’t all that funny. Both of you may also idealize each other as being the perfect partner. The feelings people have at the beginning of a relationship can be described as elation and euphoria. When people are caught up in such wonderful feelings, it can be difficult to tell the difference between “love” and “infatuation”. Infatuation, or a “crush”, is usually short-lived. However, love can last a long time.

When the initial excitement about a relationship is lost, the person who is just infatuated will no longer feel “in love”. Unlike infatuation, love takes time to develop – it is the maturation of a friendship. We often hear that people must be friends before they can be lovers as in the common quote from an unknown source, “ True love is friendship set on fire.”

With real love, people learn to accept each other for who they truly are. Love accepts the fact that neither of you are perfect, and you appreciate each other’s unique qualities. You can be who you are; you feel secure and safe with each other. A real love relationship is based on mutual respect, honesty, trust, commitment, as well as caring and concern about each other’s well-being. The feelings of love grow and become deeper over time.

Terry, you mentioned that you are always thinking about your girlfriend. Ate Anna wonders if this is about sexual attraction. In fact, many adults and teenagers confuse sexual attraction with love. Popular culture – TV, movies, music videos, and advertising – gives us the message that sex equals love. But this is not true.

A sexual attraction is a very intense feeling of physical attraction. While people who are in love may choose to have sex, having sex does not necessary mean that they are in love. As you can see, love is much deeper than sexual attraction. Love is an emotional bond and sex is a physical act. Having sex changes the dynamics in a relationship and it does not necessarily make two people love each other more.

Some people choose not to have sex with their girlfriend or boyfriend. Even though intimacy is a crucial component of a love relationship, there are many ways to express affection to someone you love. Sex is just one way. Choosing not to have sex does not mean you don’t love each other. It just means that you have found other ways to express your feelings.

Play and laugh together! Have fun!

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne St. N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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