Having the conversation about pornography

Dear Readers:

Ate Anna recently read an article by psychologist Anthony E. Wolf who has written several books for parents. Today’s article will continue to address Worried Parent’s concerns (from the last issue) by including some of Anthony Wolf’s ideas for talking to boys about pornography.

Some people think that any pictures or writing about naked bodies and/or sexual behaviour is wrong – especially when it is for the purpose of causing sexual excitement.

Other parents believe that sneaking a look at pictures of naked women or sexual behaviour is just what teenage boys do. Some parents are not really comfortable with their sons looking at pornography but they don’t know what to say or do about it.

Adolescent boys’ interest in pornography may be normal but Anthony Wolf believes it is not entirely innocent. Today, much of the pornography that is easily accessible to youth is too explicit. They do not understand that what they are seeing is outside of what most people consider “normal” sexual activity. And some of it involves physical violence.

Ate Anna also believes that pornography is exposing your son to strong sexual imagery at a time in his life when he is figuring out his own sexuality. He is developing his own attitudes and beliefs about this part of his life. Pornography offers some very unhelpful models of human relationships. It teaches young men that “good” sex is all about sexual daring and recklessness. This is not new, but many experts now believe that pornography teaches boys to be out of touch with their true feelings (and insecurities) about their sexuality. It would be much better for parents to help their sons find truthful and accurate information about sexual behaviour and relationships.

And then there is the problem of how pornography treats women. The content of pornography can be not only unrealistic, but also degrading. It teaches boys that women are not people with feelings, but sex objects whose sexual role is to please men. Boys need better messages than this if they want to be involved in relationships that are good for them.

So what is a worried parent to do? First, if you do not want your son to view pornography you can try to eliminate the opportunities to see it. Have your computer set up in a ‘public’ part of the house where you can walk by anytime. You can also go online and look up “parent controls” for some guidelines on controls and porn filters. It is important to know that these do not guarantee that your son will not be able to access pornography. People are always figuring out ways to get around parent controls.

The truth is you cannot eliminate pornography or access to pornography from your son’s life. Even if he is not able to watch it at home, he may watch it on friends’ computers. It will be more helpful to your son if you teach him to think about what he is seeing. This means talking to him about pornography.

You may feel uncomfortable about having this conversation, but the best way to get started is to say simply, “I want to talk to you about pornography.” Your son may do his best to avoid this conversation – he may tell you he knows all about it or that he is too busy to talk to you. Keep trying and eventually you will find the opportunity – even if it is when you’re in the car together where he can’t escape. Firstly, be sure to tell him that sexual feelings are not bad; sexuality is a good, healthy part of life. However, you want him to think about what pornography is telling him.

Here are some ideas for what to say:

•  “Can you tell me what you think about how the women are treated?”
•  “What do you think about how the men are portrayed?”
•  “Who do you think the female porn actors actually are? How do you think they feel about being in a porn video?”
•  “Do you think the women are being taken advantage of by the companies who produce the videos?”

The purpose of the conversation is to help him realize that pornography exploits the sexuality of both women and men. In real life, sexual relationships should be about equals consenting to mutually pleasurable sexual activities. While the conversation may not completely stop your son from looking at pornography, it may help him think about what he is doing. Worried Parent, you can’t control this part of your son’s life, but you will have helped him learn an important life lesson about taking responsibility for his sexuality.

Take care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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