Dear Ate Anna,

I think I am a good husband and I love my wife very much. Sometimes, my wife wants to feel close to me, but I just don’t feel the desire to do it. Ate Anna, a man is supposed to want sex all the time, isn’t he? But... I don’t think that much about it. What’s wrong with me? Would Viagra help jump-start my sex life?

D.H.

Dear D.H.,

This is a difficult topic for men. Many men with a reduced or low sex drive don’t want to talk about it as they feel ashamed. They think that their sense of “manhood” is being questioned.

It is unfortunate that many men still hold the belief that “men are always ready and willing to have sex.” This is a myth. But the messages that men (and women) get about sexual relationships from popular culture and the media perpetuate this myth. The fact is that men are not always in the mood. While sex can be an important and satisfying part of life, there are other things that are just as important and satisfying or more so – even to men.

D.H., it is common for both men and women to experience low sex drive, or libido, at some point in their lives. In Bernie Zilbergeld’s book, The New Male Sexualityhe found that 30% of men felt, at least sometimes, that sex was a burden. Other studies show that low sex drive affects at least 20 to 25% of adult males.

Every couple is different. A couple should not feel that they must have sex a certain number of times a week or a month to have a good sex life. However, if a man thinks that his libido is low and this causes distress to him or in his relationship, he may need to get some medical help. Some signs of low sex drive in men include less frequent sexual thoughts, reduced sexual desire, reluctance to initiate sex, or a lack of desire for sex (especially after going without sex for an extended period of time).

Like women, the cause for low libido in men can be physical as well as psychological. Some common reasons for low sex drive in men are:

• Low levels of testosterone When men approach their forties, the level of testosterone (male sex hormone) will naturally decline, usually dropping by 1 to 2 percent every year. However, when the testosterone level falls well below the normal range, it can lead to a decreased sex drive. Some younger men with hormone deficiency will experience the same condition.
• Illnesses and medication Medical conditions such as diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, neurological disorders or depression may cause low libido in men. Also, some medications for depression, prostate problems and high blood pressure as well as other drugs can reduce a person’s sex drive.
• Lifestyle Unhealthy lifestyle habits such as excessive drinking, smoking, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, poor eating habits and obesity are factors that can contribute to low libido.
• Stress Many men report that stress is the number one killer of their sex drive. Work stress, financial stress, family responsibilities or other life stresses such as a move, a job loss, a new baby or death of a loved one can have a negative effect on one’s sex life. In fact, too much stress or chronic stress can decrease testosterone levels, which affects sex drive.
• Relationship issues Anger or any unresolved conflicts with the wife or partner can cause sexual disinterest in men.

Many people mistake low libido in men for erectile dysfunction but they are not the same thing. Viagra is for men with erectile dysfunction. These men have normal sexual desire but they are unable to maintain an erection during sex. For men with low sex drive, they can usually perform but they lack desire. D.H., it looks like Viagra may not be the solution to jump-start your sex life.

Ate Anna suggests you see a doctor for a complete physical examination to check if there is any underlying cause for your low interest in sex. For relationship issues, stress or other lifestyle issues, talking to a counsellor may help.

D.H., if your wife wants to be close to you and you avoid her, she may feel rejected. If this pattern continues, the relationship may suffer; because physical intimacy can be as important as the emotional bond in a relationship. Talk with your wife honestly about your concerns. To jump-start your own interest in sex, some experts suggest using the Nike approach: “JUST DO IT!” Other experts use the term “gift giving”. In other words, you might feel you are not really interested in sex but you are willing to do something to pleasure your wife and make her happy. This, in turn might change your feelings and you end up wanting it yourself. Try it and see if it works for you.

The good news is that many women want “quality” instead of “quantity” in their sexual relationship. Talking to each other in a loving way is the best way to build intimacy.

Take Care,
Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your question and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne St. N., Winnipeg MB, R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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