Dear Ate Anna,

I have a 21-year-old son who is a third year university student. Last week he revealed to me that he is gay. This is devastating news and I am still in shock. I feel hurt and I cry when I am alone. Ate Anna, I love my son, but what did I do wrong? Why did he have to tell me about this? Could this be just a phase?

Broken heart

Dear Broken heart,

Ate Anna understands that this is a difficult situation for you. Many parents feel guilty and ashamed when a child comes out to them as gay or lesbian. A parent may even experience a sense of losing the son or daughter they have known and loved – almost as if their child died. This feeling of loss is usually temporary. Shock, anger, denial and sadness are all common feelings.

Broken heart, don’t blame yourself! You have not done anything to cause your son to be gay. Contrary to what many people think, one’s sexual orientation is not a “preference” or “ lifestyle choice.” According to the American Psychological Association, sexual orientation is defined as an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectional attraction that a person feels toward another person. Like a heterosexual person (people attracted to the opposite sex), gay people form relationships because they feel physically, emotionally, or romantically drawn to the other person. The other person just happens to be of the same sex.

In recent years scientific research strongly shows that biology plays an important role in whether a person is gay or straight (heterosexual). Some scientists suggest that there is a genetic influence on sexual orientation. Other research demonstrates that there is a physiological difference between gay and non-gay people. To cite a few examples: brain structure studies show that gay men and straight women have equally proportioned right and left hemispheres of the brain while lesbian women and straight men have a slightly larger right brain hemisphere. Also, gay men have a smaller sized hypothalamus than heterosexual men. There is even evidence that gay and non-gay people emit different underarm odours. Many scientists agree that people are born with their sexual orientation, similar to some people being born right-handed and others left-handed.

Broken heart, your son didn’t break this news to you because he wanted to hurt you. Your son wants to be honest with you. Being dishonest and trying to pretend to be someone he is not would be a tremendous burden for him. He doesn’t want to hide this important part of himself – especially to people who mean a lot to him.

It took a lot of courage for your son to tell you that he is gay. Ate Anna believes that your son may still be frightened of how you will react. There are probably many questions going through his mind: Will you push him out of your life? Will you still love him? Will you accept him? Will you reject or disown him? He may be worried about not knowing how to handle your reaction. Your son needs your support. He loves you and wants your love in return.

You mentioned that you are still in shock. It will take time for you to digest this revelation. You might not even want to hear anything more or talk about it right now. You might put yourself in denial mode and keep telling yourself that “it’s just a phase and he’ll get over it.” Broken heart, most gay people tell us they knew early in life that they were somehow different. Now, as an adult, your son is most likely not questioning himself anymore and telling you that he has a clear sense of his sexual orientation.

This is a challenging time for both you and your son. Perhaps talking to parents who have gone through a similar experience can help you cope and accept your son for who he is. There is an organization called Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) that can be a place of support and information for you. When you feel ready, you can visit their website at www.pflagcanada.ca or you can talk to a counsellor at the Rainbow Resource Centre (RRC) in Winnipeg. RRC provides culturally appropriate information and counselling to immigrant parents and families who are struggling with the issue of their child’s sexual orientation and gender identity. Their phone number is 452-7508.

Broken heart, it might help to remember that your son is still the same person you loved before his revelation. He hasn’t changed. Your understanding of your son’s sexual orientation will eventually build a better relationship with a deeper level of closeness.

Take care,

Ate Anna

Ate Anna welcomes your question and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne St. N., Winnipeg MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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