Midlife changes: the new normal

Dear Ate Anna:

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. The sexual part of our relationship has always been good. Lately, we do not seem to be as interested in sex. I am trying to “think outside the box” as you wrote in your last article, but I am wondering if this is normal.

Gina

Dear Gina:

Mid-life brings many changes – to our relationships, our physical bodies and even our thinking. Ate Anna is glad that you are interested in learning about what is normal at this time in your life. Interest in a sexual relationship doesn’t have to end once a couple no longer wants to have children, but there will be changes.

Women:

Many of the changes women experience are the result of menopause. For example, less estrogen production causes thinning of the vaginal walls and possible dryness that can result in discomfort during intercourse. Some sexual changes are similar to other physical changes of aging. The body slows down so it takes longer for sexual arousal to produce the lubrication that makes intercourse more comfortable. This is normal and many couples enjoy the slower lovemaking that helps produce enough lubrication for comfort.

Men:

As a man ages, it usually takes longer to achieve an erection and it may not be as firm as it used to be. The erection may “come and go” several times during lovemaking. This is normal. A man may notice that, after sex, it takes more time for him to be able to have another erection. This is also normal – just a natural part of the general slowing down of the body as it ages.

Both men and women may notice that their orgasms feel less intense or involve more of an overall body feeling. Some parts of the body may be less sensitive to touch – but other parts of the body may feel more sensitive.

Sexual changes are often talked about as a decline rather than simply as natural changes. For example, both men and women produce different levels of testosterone, the hormone that regulates sex drive. Although testosterone levels gradually decrease with age, most people will have enough of this hormone to remain interested in sex without using hormone replacement. But they will probably not experience the urgent feelings they had as young adults. Both men and women may notice that while some physical aspects of sexual response change, they may feel more emotionally connected to their partner. This can lead to an enjoyment of sex in a way that wasn’t possible before.

It is true that some medical problems can interfere with sexual desire and response. Chronic pain, surgery or illness that causes fatigue can make sexual activities more challenging or painful. Some commonly used medications can interfere with sexual function, as well. However, a person’s ability to have and enjoy sex during midlife and beyond depends on their mind as much as their body.

Sometimes people believe that it is wrong to have sex after a particular age. As some people notice more wrinkles and grey hairs, they feel less attractive. Others think that the normal changes they are noticing indicate a problem. If individuals are not able to talk about these concerns with a partner or a health professional, they may begin to feel anxious about sex. It is important to talk about these feelings or they can lead to a lack of interest in sex or problems with sexual arousal.

It is true that “sex” is not the same at 45 as it was at 25, but that does not mean it can’t be as fulfilling or enjoyable. It helps if you can think “outside the box.” In the next article Ate Anna will share information about dealing with change and keeping a midlife sexual relationship as enjoyable as ever.

Ate Anna welcomes your questions and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne Street N., Winnipeg, MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Have a comment on this article? Send us your feedback