By Anna Ling and Linda Plenert

Dear Ate Anna:

I was visiting with some friends last week. One friend was complaining quite a bit about her marriage and intimacy with her husband. One of the other women told her that she should stop comparing her life to television and get educated about sex. Ate Anna, what do adults need to learn about sex?

Curious Lady

Dear Curious Lady,

We may not stop to think about it, but sexuality education is all around us from the time we are small children. We listen to singers who sing about love. We watch movies that incorporate sexual relationships into the story. We hear or tell sexual jokes. We read romance novels. These all give us messages about what we are supposed to think is attractive or sexy and how we are supposed to relate to each other in our intimate relationships. We sometimes even compare ourselves to the sexual standard set by movie stars or the latest reality show. This not only sets us up for failure “in bed,” it may create other problems with self esteem and intimacy.

Ate Anna believes that many of the messages about sexuality in the popular culture are not realistic. People need to remember that actors and actresses are paid to act. Sexual relationships in movies and television shows are based on fantasy. They are created to sell a movie or television show to the public.

Following are some common beliefs about sexuality that are reinforced by the media and other aspects of popular culture. We need to challenge these beliefs in order to broaden our thinking about sexuality – to think “outside the box.”

Sex equals intercourse

This reflects a very narrow definition of sex with a focus on performance and physical response. In fact, sexual intercourse is only one aspect of physical closeness. There are many different ways to express physical intimacy, such as holding hands, kissing, hugging, and caressing. Feelings of closeness and connection to a person we care about are also an important part of physical intimacy. In Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld’s book The New Male Sexuality, he states,

“Good sex is not using any particular organ, following any particular script, or doing any particular act. Rather, it has to do with the emotions generated by whatever you or your partner do.”

The most important sex organ is our brain and the largest, most sensitive sex organ is our skin which covers our whole body – not just the genitals.

Sexy equals “young and beautiful”

...or at least that’s what popular culture tells us. But everyone, regardless of age, size, or ability is a sexual being from birth till death. Throughout our lives we all have the need for touch and affection. Expression of intimacy and sexuality is also a normal part of healthy aging. The changes in our bodies are natural. A flexible attitude and adaptation to these changes can ensure that sex remains an enjoyable part of later life.

Planning for sex isn’t romantic

Spontaneous sex can be fun, but communication is also an important part of a satisfying relationship. Our partners are not mind readers. We need to tell them what feels good. Although it may feel awkward or embarrassing, talking about our sexual relationship can build intimacy. Of course, it is important to share our thoughts and feelings in a respectful way.

Planning and talking ahead of time is essential for prevention of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STD’s). No matter how old or young we are, if we have more than one sexual partner or are starting a new sexual relationship, we need to use condoms to protect ourselves from HIV and other STD’s. Unfortunately, these issues are not part of the popular culture’s message.

Curious Lady, we are all involved in a lifelong learning process about our sexuality. Our interests, needs, and abilities change. Thinking “outside the box” helps us explore new ideas and possibilities in our sexual relationships and express our sexuality as a whole person.

Ate Anna welcomes your question and comments. Please write to: Ate Anna, Suite 200 – 226 Osborne St. N., Winnipeg MB R3C 1V4 or e-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Have a comment on this article? Send us your feedback